Find Out How to Handle Mommy Guilt Problems
5 Ways to Zap “Mommy Guilt”
I remember, almost 14 years ago, bringing my son Kai home from the hospital. We had borrowed an old car seat from someone we knew. I placed all 6 lbs 14 oz. of him into the car seat and suddenly burst into tears. The car seat was way too big for him. I really felt I had failed him. The sudden awareness that I didn’t know what I was doing hit me like a ton of bricks. The nurses were gone and I was on my own. From the moment you become pregnant until the day you or your child dies, you try to be the very best mom you can be to your children.
It doesn’t take long, however, before you make mistakes. Parenting doesn’t go as planned. Your children do outrageous things. Accidents happen. Feelings get hurt. Children go down the wrong path. Your marriage struggles. And the feelings of guilt inevitably follow. It doesn’t matter if your children are young or grown; motherhood guilt is always a struggle.
So how can you minimize those pesky, guilty feelings?
Stop Comparing Yourself and Your Children to Others
Is Kayla sitting up yet? When did Matthew start walking? My child knows all her colors and the whole alphabet and she’s only two. Comparing our children to other children is an easy trap to fall into. But it is not healthy for our children or us as moms because every child is different. They each have different strengths, weaknesses, developmental patterns and personalities. Let your children be who they are and avoid the comparison game.
Just like you shouldn’t compare your children to other children, the same goes for you. Let go of any need you have to compare yourself to other moms. Todd Parr wrote a great children’s book called “The Mommy Book”. In this book, he talks about how all mommies are different. Some mommies like to cook and some like to order pizza. Some mommies work in tall office buildings and some work at home. I have a friend who is the epitome of June Cleaver. Almost all her meals are home cooked. She makes all her children’s Halloween costumes. She is totally organized and structured with her children’s school work and activities. If I compare myself to her, I am plagued with feelings of guilt. I make Hamburger Helper for my family, purchase all their Halloween costumes and I consistently fail at structure with my kids. It is okay to be different. As simple as study.
Accept Your Limitations as Well as Your Children’s
You don’t have to be all things to your children and your children don’t have to be all things to you. In other words, it’s okay if you make mistakes. And your children deserve the same grace. One of the things I often struggle with is thinking I need to be my child’s constant playmate. I have to be honest. Sometimes I don’t feel like playing cars or looking at another car magazine. Sure, my child may feel disappointed if I say no, but it doesn’t mean I am not being a good mother. I have my limits and I need to respect them. All moms have limits. When we go over our limits, we usually become irritable and short-tempered. Exceeding our limits can cause a vicious cycle of behaving in a way that makes us feel guilty.
Your children have limitations too. No need to do schools research to understand that. Just because a child has a bad day of misbehavior doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong. While I was on vacation this past week, there were days that my 3-1/2 year old was a little monster. He was in time out constantly. Of course, all the other little children around were perfectly well behaved. At one point, I was exasperated and I asked my aunt, “What is wrong with him?” My aunt reassured me that he is fine - he’s just being a kid. It’s times like this that we often question our parenting. Sometimes I think it’s helpful to just understand that motherhood has its good days and bad days and it has very little to do with our ability to parent our children.
Apologize When You Are Wrong
Let’s face it. Sometimes we blow it. If this ever happens to you, apologize immediately. Our children then learn that we are human and we make mistakes. Children are very forgiving and forgiveness conquers guilt. There is nothing more humbling than being able to admit when we behaved in a way we know is wrong.
Need more help about the family? Maybe it’s time to finding a marriage counselor - don’t get scared, this helps.
Filed under Family and Parenting